I found a bug in my Interpersonal Operating System

About 20 years ago I described to a friend my way of connecting to people, what I do to (try and) create strong, open relationships. I call it my Interpersonal Operating System and yes, I actually use technical terms as metaphors :) What I’ve come to realize many years later is that my original approach lacked something that’s actually a game changer.

First, are you Windows or Linux?

Back in the day, Windows was always considered more permissive than Linux. The example I used to give is when you created a shared resource, Windows default permissions were Everyone Full Control and you’d need to remove permissions, whereas Linux default was no access and you’d need to grant permissions.

Similarly, I divide people into two groups according to their behavior when they meet someone new:

• There is basic trust and openness, until that person proves otherwise and then they shut down (Windows — first you have permissions)
• They are closed, more private, until you gain their trust, at which point they slowly start to open up (Linux — no permissions at first)

I have a Windows personality (even though I’m actually a Mac/Linux user!) which I believe is the first stage to making new relationships.

Get ready for step climbing

When there is a good initial connection with someone, I open up a bit and talk about more personal matters. Many times this leads the other person to open up too, which begins what I call the Step Climbing phase — each step reflects a more open stage in the relationship. This obviously brings you closer to one another, and allows you to have a more meaningful connection.

When does this end? Well, it might never, but usually there comes a point when one side stops climbing, either because they feel they have reached their limit with the other person, or that something has changed for them in the relationship. That’s fine, anything is better than staying on the bottom step.

So.. what was missing for me?

I realized that sharing personal experiences only gets you to a certain level in the relationship. When you also talk about your feelings, you can achieve a whole new level of connection with the other person, leading to a much more rewarding, valuable, and constructive relationship.

Think about it for a second and you’ll probably find you already know it’s true.

It certainly got me thinking. Who do I share my feelings with? Well, not with most of my friends actually, and definitely not with my co-workers. But can I? Should I? Well, why not?

I guess doing that at your workplace might be a more controversial topic, so let’s take that as an example. A few years ago I had to give a presentation in front of 30 investors at a conference abroad. I wasn’t fully comfortable with some of the slides and it got me worried. I decided to share with my boss that I was nervous about the presentation, and asked for his help to get ready. It got him super engaged and we rehearsed many times until I aced it. Result!

I must clarify that I don’t mean you should always do that. You obviously need to reach a certain level of openness before sharing your feelings, and you won’t share something that might make you seem incompetent. But if you do it right, there are real rewards.

To conclude

I truly believe that if we choose to be more open and trusting when we meet new people, we have a lot more to gain than lose. So start with that, then climb higher :)